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Finding "Monique's Lost Footage" [DVD]

Monique Alexander is the Puerto Rico of Vivid; no longer a contract girl but remaining somehow associated with the company that first made her fantastic nipples and fellatio skills a mass commodity. And now some "Lost Footage" has been unearthed!

Monique's Lost Footage

Studio: Vivid
Director: B. Skow
Starring: Monique Alexander, Gianna Lynn, Lily Lovely

Review by: Gram Ponante

To be clear: Monique Alexander is not Puerto Rican.

Still, the appearance of "Monique's Lost Footage" would give the casual porn consumer the impression that Alexander is dead or gone to Shelly Lubben. In fact, Alexander is alive and well and appearing as a "Sporty Girl" with Elegant Angel and as Diane in a recent New Sensations "Cheers" parody.

And she is not Puerto Rican. She's from Sacramento.

But the four scenes of "Monique's Lost Footage," also featuring Gianna Lynn and the aptly-named Lily Lovely, do have a second-class-citizen vibe to them—together they make up a movie that has no plot or coherence other than the fact that Alexander is in two of the scenes, and the movie is framed with a grainy film projector wraparound that suggests these otherwise-unrelated scenes were found in Vivid's vaults deep below Universal City Nissan.

Was this really lost footage? And can Vivid really afford to let the world know that they are in the habit of "losing" essential documentation?

But who are we to ask such questions? Let us instead contemplate that perfect, taut surface that is Monique Alexander and hope that she doesn't become Vivid's Marshall Islands. Like Stafanie Morgan.

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Monique's Lost Footage" (gamelink.com)

Waltzing the Tilde: "Big Booty Latinas" [DVD]

True to its title and then some, "Big Booty Latinas" really goes the extra mile with creative interviews before we go south of the border hardcore style on the caliente likes of Laurie Vargas, Luscious Lopez, and Charley Chase.

Speaking of—of course Laurie Vargas, Luscious Lopez, Britney Stevens, and Isis Love are Latinas. But Charley Chase? Yup, Puerto Rican and Italian (note to porn fans: every star you know is required to claim at least two nationalities, and if given enough time will usually say ("...and Cherokee").

As wholesome as a movie can be with a title like "Big Booty Latinas," it still manages to present an air of girl-next-doorishness, especially with Vargas, who flounces around in a pretty summer dress before she gets her first penetration-doble.

Director Marc Daniels lingers on just the right curves and conducts interviews without making a sound (the performers respond to questions we can't hear), both of which are simple and effective techniques to keep the attention focused where it should be.

"BBL" was such a superior gonzo movie that its title doesn't seem to do it justice. It should have been "Big Booty Latinas de mi Corazon" or something. But I'm not complaining about the overdelivery.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Big Booty Latinas" (gamelink.com)

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Tous Les Schlocky Pornos De Le Monde [DVD]

I am, as you know, sentimental. So a title like "The Summer of My 19th Year" makes me think of tender accounts of awkward first blowjobs, Sunny DeLite, anal tearing, and returning to community college a new person. Oh well.

L'ete de Mes 19 Ans

Studio: Marc Dorcel
Director: Herve Bodilis
Starring: Jade Laroche, Sabrina, Mia Vendome, Tarra White

Review by: Gram Ponante

I know it's porn, but I just expected something more innocent, as if Bryan Adams should have traded his wholesome "Summer of 69" for this title, and both would have emerged somehow more appropriate.

Two young women, one of whom is the narrator, arrive in Ibiza and immediately hitchhike into the Kia Sportage of Miguel. There's no soft looks or mooning, my friends; the fucking begins almost immediately.

They all hit the clubs and repair to a house where a sex party has been going on, it seems, for decades.

Miguel gets pouty when he discovers the girls making out, but all is forgiven when they have a threesome.

The end!

As you will see from the gallery, everyone in this movie is fantastically attractive, but the one thing that would have saved this French-language film for me was a laugh track. Despite a weekend of fucking, Miguel puts hs foot down on dainty carpet munching.

· Marc Dorcel (marcdorcel.com)
· Buy "L'ete de Mes 19 Ans" (gamelink.com)

Boxcover of the Week: "Over Stuffed 10" [Porn Of The Moment]

Boxcover of the Week: "Over Stuffed 10" Allie Haze sits naked on a parapet, Porn Valley spread out below her, her legs firmly closed. She regards with horror a two-foot dildo, even as she gently supports its balls and tenderly grips its shaft. Call the Pulitzer Committee!

We know that it just takes a striking boxcover image to make the difference between tearing through the cellophane and watching a movie or donating it to the Grooviest Homeless Shelter in All of Los Angeles, and what made "Over Stuffed 10" a keeper was how demure Haze looks with the sun falling across her juicy thighs.

I also thought, "She's totally Method in this photograph because Haze is clearly right-handed and she knows that her dominant hand needs to work the frenulum."

Her scene involves Haze accidentally taking her mother's suitcase on a trip. The suitcase is filled with implements of vaginal destruction.

"No, I don't want to talk about it," she tells her mother on the phone.

Sadly, Haze does not get totally naked or make it outside in her scene, another reason why Porn Has Again Betrayed Me.

But good work on the frenulum, regardless, Allie.

· Jerkoff Zone (jerkoffzone.com)
· <a href="Buy "Over Stuffed 10" (tlaraw.com)

Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Alix Lakehurst Goes Freestyle [Sex Toys]

When we visited zaftig Alix Lakehurst during her recent trip to Los Angeles, we wanted to give her an elegant gift she could take home to Chicago. Lucky for her, the OhMiBod Freestyle can also melt snow.

It is, of course, the logical progression. If professional ethics, such as they are, don't allow us to go there ourselves, it is only natural to place a vibrator between Lakehurst's legs and control what it does.

The OhMiBod, as you probably know, responds to the beats in your iTunes playlist and gets all Diddy, GaGa, Bono, Ozzy, and/or Gordon Lightfoot with your labia.

The OhMiBod's Freestyle incarnation adds a wireless twist so I, for example, can control the playlist half a room away. With Lakehurst I felt like a Manhattan Project scientist across the desert from her A-Bomb.

"Strip down and get on the bed," we commanded (Lakehurst had been mixing fake come - her own science project).

We then streamed a medley of Air, The Scorpions, Curtis Mayfield, Judas Priest, and Pat Benatar up, down, and around her fleshy girlyparts, which was great fun for everyone involved. Around "2112" she lit a cigarette.

"I can really take this home?" she asked. What were we going to do? Take it back and sell it on eBay (Oh shit we could have totally sold it on eBay)?

But we didn't, and now Lakehurst is back in Wicker Park with her sleek Freestyle and all its attachments for use in foreign hotels with their Angelique Kidjo.

· Alix Lakehurst (wecouldbenaked.com)
· Buy OhMiBod's Freestyle (ohmibod.com)